TRADITIONAL toys are being thrown out of the pram – to be replaced by more PC playthings.
First Barbie put on a few pounds in 2016 to avoid the risk of fat-shaming other dolls.
Then in 2019 Ms Monopoly was born, aiming to give the classic board game a gender rebalance and paying female players more for passing Go.
Then yesterday we told how Mr Potato Head has gone gender neutral after 70 years, losing his “Mr” – with toy maker Hasbro releasing an image showing a pair of gender-neutral potato parents, both with moustaches and a baby at their feet.
So what’s next down the toy factory conveyor belt of conformity?
We take a good rummage through the PC toy box of the (no doubt not too distant) future.
Women’s World
FORMERLY Girl’s World (but that’s sooooo patronising) the toy hair salon now welcomes torso-less busts who identify as female.
Each aforementioned torso-less bust will have their locks styled in this safe space that welcomes diversity, otherwise known as a bedroom.
Comes with a 98-page guide to culturally appropriate hairstyles so you don’t end up being inadvertently cancelled.
Lego
LIFE is pretty quiet for the Lego City Police since their funding was drastically cut.
Fortunately muggings are down, as everyone is now afraid to leave their Lego homes in the pandemic.
Other crime is now rampant in Lego City but luckily it’s mainly cyber crime – so it can’t be seen inside the Lego buildings.
New Lego sets have cobweb-strewn police stations, empty jail cells – and no minifigures.
Teenage Genetically-Diverse Ninja Turtles
THE crime-fighting super-heroes formerly known as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles battle aliens and Mafia overlords, yet when they came to filling in the census, they resented having to tick the “other” box to describe their species.
Now accepted in society with their new inclusive moniker, they no longer have to hide away in the sewers.
My Vertically Challenged Pony
IT was Fluttershy who led the fight to end discrimination against My “Little” Pony toys in the #Neightoo movement.
“Being labelled as such was detrimental to our mental health,” said the yellow and pink equine.
“It was as offensive as our original name, My Pretty Pony.”
The petition to officially rename the ponies galloped through Equestria Parliament, in a victory for this harassed mane-ority.
They/Them-Man
IT’S 2021 and the Masters Of The Universe have thrown off their macho ways and exist in a non-binary world.
Formerly He-Man, Prince Adam has cast off their royal duties and they are now on a mission to change our lives, whether we’d like them to or not, with their faithful feline sidekick Cringer in tow.
And from now on, Adam will identify as They/Them-Person and the Masters/Mistresses Of The Universe.
Poor Patrol
IT really is a dog’s life for the Poor Patrol crew as they eke out a living as city-centre squatters, hell bent on exposing the obvious failings of capitalism.
Formerly PAW Patrol, the now entirely female seven-strong team live in a former branch of McDonald’s, whose fryers they still use to cook their diet of vegan treats.
Available from leading toy sellers (except f***ing Amazon).
Someone
TOY maker HasBroAndSista has cancelled its Simon game, with its overtones of gender superiority and white, middle-class privilege.
Now players of this game of repetition much prefer its replacement, the mysterious-sounding “Someone”.
The famous black box has also been revamped.
Now it has been redesigned to include more buttons representing all the colours of the LGBTQ+ flag.
Direct Action Man
GONE are the days of plain old Action Man – now it’s busy busy busy for Direct Action Man, the latest social justice warrior and activist.
Accessories include pad-lock and chain for attaching to gates of petrochemical plants, a spade for tunnelling under stations and a Guy Fawkes mask for demos and Bonfire Night parties.
Deluxe version repeats the phrase “That offends me” at the press of a button.
Cold Wheels
THE original Hot Wheels – scale models of gas-guzzling sports cars – have been updated to an exciting range of carbon-neutral electric vehicles, from a recycling trucks to a milk float.
Enjoy the thrills as they amble around bright orange tracks at up to 30cm an hour.
Each set comes with a charging point where drivers must sit and wait for eight hours before they can move off again.
Sylvanian Blended Families
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MR and Mrs Rabbit divorced when their kits were young, and Mrs Rabbit got the family mansion in the settlement.
In this Sylvanian Families update, Mr Hedgehog and his teenage son have moved in and the little rabbits visit their dad in his bachelor pad every other weekend.
Meanwhile, Mrs Rabbit’s neighbours, Mr Fox and Mr Squirrel, have welcomed two little cubs via a surrogate.
Mr Potato Head goes gender neutral and loses his title in modern makeover after 70 years
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This post first appeared on Thesun.co.uk
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